Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
