So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
