I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
