She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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