They should really pass out barf bags in church
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
