1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
