Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You are a genius and a whore.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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