Already got asked if we're dating
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
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Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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