Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
