I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
