My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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