my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
