I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
