I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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