I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
