Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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