So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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