Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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