a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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