Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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