i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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