if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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