so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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