i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.