Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
