remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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