If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
