I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
