oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
