Moan for me like Helen Keller
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
