Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have fence marks all over my body
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
