He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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