so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
