just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Say something about gay babies.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
