I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize