Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
