i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
