You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
