she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You need a sexual gate keeper
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
