Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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