Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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