That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
