hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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