I'm so fucking centered right now
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
