I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
