no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
