I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So much rum. So many feels.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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