Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
