First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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