Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
