Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
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I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
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LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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