I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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