I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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