Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
