yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
