I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
