My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
